so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
