i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
