I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i barfeds in our rink
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
