mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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