If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
