All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
