god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
