omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
