im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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