Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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