Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
