is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
