i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
