In America we eat man semen.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
