Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I need help removing her.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
