Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
