Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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