My nipple is on Facebook.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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