There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
