Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Are we still banned from the library?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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