my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
