i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
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