and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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