Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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