just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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