babies were throwing up all over the place
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Help me help you realize you are a moron
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
