In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I have post one night stand depression
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
