respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
