I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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