I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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