i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
