this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
