When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
