Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
