i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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