I CAN MOONWALK!
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
