the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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