he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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