so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
