Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
