Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize