god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
