She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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