i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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