i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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