my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize