So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
