I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
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