a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
