i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
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