I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Randomize
