I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
