Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
