i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
